Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize