***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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