i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize