Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
