i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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