I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
