FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
