he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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