I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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