it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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