We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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