Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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