so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
