She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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