Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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