sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
