I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
