I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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