I just pynch a tree in the face
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
