i need an iv and a liver transplant
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
