that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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