I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize