you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize