apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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