I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
