OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
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