It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
