The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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