Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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