I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
