I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
