omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
