I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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