no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
