T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Couch. On fire.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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