final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Houston, we have a squirter
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
