Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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