I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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