So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
