So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
