new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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