woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
