Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
