Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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