my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
be right there i have to get my cape
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I need to calm my uterus...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
