If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
