he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
