O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
