she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
