just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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