weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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