it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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