then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
