Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
