My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
