he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Randomize
