She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
