I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
