every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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