Duck Duck Cougar?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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