All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
